Fake Headlines

1st in a New Series –

The Green Greta, Global Spike Late Edition

Our Speculative Investigation Reporter, Sir Ben Gunn, once again has an exclusive scoop on what really went on the night of Mr Biden’s acceptance speech, and you will be shocked. Ben accidentally became trapped in an empty movie theatre in an undisclosed location, and after hearing screams and non-stop crying he made his way to its source and hid amongst a pile of trash. And what you are about to read and see is a semi-accurate account of that evening.

“Cut, cut, cut. Stop it already.” The director jumped about the room like a kangaroo on crack, pulling at his long-departed hair and then continued his rant.

“Listen, Joe, that’s our 14th take on your twenty-two-minute acceptance speech. Can you at leaST get your name right? Just think of it, after this is all over we can have a party with lots of cookies, and hair. Lots and lots of women’s hair. Surprise, surprise! Betty’s Beauty Shop, gathered and donated all their loose cut hair, and put it in your glue ‘sniffy bag.”

Joe straightened up like a barker in a girly show before a performance. “Oh boy, oh goody, goody.

Ok Man, okay you’re the director, let’s do it, lunger.” Joe leans towards the director, Meathead Reiner, and begins to whisper. 

“ Why we gotta tape this thing, man? I can do this. I’m as right as rain. Right? I’m good. Right?”

 Meathead reluctantly nods. “Why are you whispering Joe? We are the only people in the room.” 

Joe did a slow in-depth scan of the room and saw only cardboard cutouts.

“I wondered why no-one was waving. But where are my fans, and all my support?”

“Prior engagements, and frankly everyone else called in sick, including the film crew. I’m having to use my own iPhone to record this big tent event, extravaganza, whoop-de-doo. Whatever.”

Meathead began to cry and Joe digs for his inner self and begins channelling Corn Pop.

“You think I can’t tell the difference between a frog and Mohammad Ali or a Hippo and Yoda? Come on man, let’s do push-ups. Loser Pony Soldier Dog Face. You must be on crack man or from a 7-11 in the Bronx. Nobody’s going to put me in chains, and I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore, Lone Ranger, rattlesnake. Hi-Yo Silver.“

“Ok Joe, ok. That’s the spirit… Wow! That’s the spirit! Let’s try it again… and look at the camera, and we are rolling in 3-2-1…”

“Hello and welcome, I’m me, and I’m deeply honoured to accept this nomination on behave of all the stupid field mice across this great sea of dummies. Once erected Vice President, I will do my best to tar and feather every son-of-a-bitch-rat-fink-right-wing-big mouth bass, this side of Florida and East of China, and I promise to topple Paul Bunyan’s statue for what he did to our trees and his poor Ox, Babe. Son of a bitch! And the 1st thing I’m doing as Vice President is supporting women’s right to get back in the kitchen and go bra-less.”

“Great Job Joe… That’s a wrap, Grand Slam, you knocked it out of the golf course.”

“What a crock of crap,” I said

Turning quickly Joe and Meathead shout in unison, “who said that?”

“That’s total B.S.  Trumps going to steamroll your Silly-Putty ass like a pancake.” I replied while standing up showing all of my six-foot-2 magnificent frame.

“Who are you? Meathead questions and then answers his own question. 

“Oh, it’s you, Sir Ben Gunn. I know you from TV. ”

“You’re the guy who got stuck on that island? How did you get off? ” Joe pipes in.

“Shhh… Shut Up Joe, just shut up.” Snapped Meathead. “No Joe, this is the guy who uncovered the moon landing hoax, Bigfoot and had the 1st and only interview with D B Cooper. And I believe your uncle is Macomber Bombay, the prize-winning photographer from Mad Magazine. I suppose you’re going to write a story about this, right?”

Then the pin dropped.

Meathead and Joe began looking at blocking my exit, and I sprinted across the stage like a lizard on the sand, and up and out of the theatre like Bond, James Bond. But not before snapping this picture of Joe beginning to eat his ‘glue sniffy bag,’ just to enhance my story. 

And yes, uncle was my mentor and inspiration.

Series  Three: Ben Gunn

Once again our ‘Deep-Swamp’ Speculative Investigative Reporter, Sir Ben Gunn has an Exclusive scoop of the behind-the-scenes happenings of the Biden campaign and its MLB {backwards} march to the White House. 

Joe Biden says if he is elected, he plans on Outlawing women’s hair loss by Executive order, and in fact it is reported that he has already started hiring fifty-women, to work in the White House. His new Minister of Hair Affairs will soon be announced once the Ho {Harris Office} picks one.

In a recent interview Joe was asked what are some of his goals he hopes to achieve… 

“The roots of our problem lay deep within a woman’s head, whether it be dyed green or blond or just the tips are frosted. But this is the foundation of beauty where darkness abounds in spite of snowflakes, and where sand crabs nibble at your leg hairs on a sunny afternoon…  Not many people know that I had dreamed as a child of becoming a hairdresser before I landed this gig.” End quote.

But, what may be a monkey wrench in his plans is his beautiful wife Jill, In what some say was a jealous fit of rage, is demanding that all fifty-women be bald or must be fitted for swimming caps. What an oxymoron or maybe just a moron. Time will tell.

He was seen throwing a hissyfit upon hearing the news, but found a soft shoulder to cry on in the form of his running mate Camel Hairassless, as he pronounces it. Signs and banners could seen propped up against the wall leading to Joe’s Ho {Home Office}. 

He is also already looking for a hair Czar, and is working off a leaked list which Ben Gunn was able to pry it out of the mouth of Nancy Pelosie for a bottle of Gin and a bag of pretzels. That list includes Cyndie Wopper, Cher, Loopee Goldberg and Frankenstein’s Bride, Ru Paul, and last but not least by a mile, is Mayor Beeetlejuice, of Chicago. 

Republicans are calling this a selfish move slanted at affecting mostly the Democratic party, after the University Of Sweden’s study showed Republicans by a 5 to 1 margin, have far more hair than their across the aisle friends.  

Our award winning undercover reporter Ben Gunn, scooped this story before all the major networks, including the Communist News Nutworks [CNN], which BTW was just purchased by George Sorruss, Hillary and Governor Cuomo, in what could only be described as a backroom knife fight, sorry to report everybody is still standing. 

It would appear that the Democratic party is just about ready to fold with all the fighting that’s going on both behind the scenes and in front of the camera. Here we see Nancy Pelosi have it in and out with a news reporter who questioned her about her face lifts, she replied 

‘I’ve never had one I have no idea what you’re talking about. Beat it scumbag.” 

It’s also been rumored that she has more tattoos than most Long Shore Dock workers which she concealed under her, always worn, long sleeve blouses. 

“Totally false,’ is his claim as he slowly saunters past the bunkhouse and into his boot closet. Our cameraman followed and once cornered, he refused to come out of the closet, until…  yadda yadda yadda

“See. I told you so. I told you it would melt.”

After Antarctica did a total and complete meltdown, Al Gore became the 1st American to venture into the Arctic’s 87-degree water before his bottom became stuck on a sandbar.

The Coast Guard had to use wenches and tackle to free his blubber butt, but moments later he was dragged out to sea by a Giant Squid.

And as he slowly drifted into the sunset he could be heard screaming,” F-ck global warming. I was just kidding!” Yada, yadda, yada…